Thursday, 28 April 2011

Dating a non-Goth

My boyfriend Dan and I got together when I was twelve and he was fourteen. Our families assumed it was going to be a brief first romance, and yes, we broke up after a month. But then we got back together – which has pretty much set the pattern ever since. Dan and I have now been together for the last seven years, interspersed with occasional break-ups (the longest of which lasted a month).

I discovered Goth a couple of years after Dan and I got together. I expected him to be apprehensive, but he didn’t blink an eyelid as I underwent my transformation into the Queen of Dark(ish)ness you see before you today. In fact, for a short period of time he went through a brief Goth ‘phase’ himself, partly because I didn’t want to be ‘the only Goth in the village’ and partly because we both realised how many of his interests lined up nicely with Goth culture – alternative music, body art, fantasy art, the paranormal, etc.

Dan soon realised that Goth wasn’t for him, and whilst for a few years his appearance remained within the realms of ‘alternative’, nowadays his hair is cropped short and you’ll often find him dressing in gear from Mackenzie or Henleys. I call him ‘my little chav’, which he doesn’t think is funny…

When in college, some of his friends were also interested in Goth; however, he also got involved in one or two arguments after overhearing people making unpleasant statements about Goths. Recently I found out that Dan had received some stick from some of his mates for dating a Goth girl, one of them asking, "Aren’t Goths dirty?" (Don’t ask me if that’s dirty as in kinky or dirty as in unwashed. I’m not sure.) I will admit I felt bad when I heard about this – it’s not nice to feel as though you’ve caused your loved one embarrassment by dressing in the manner that you like. However, Dan maintains that he has never been embarrassed by me or ashamed of me, which means a lot.

Dan admitted that, because he didn’t know much about the Goth subculture before I became interested in it, had I been Goth when he met me he might have been intimidated, assuming that I was some sort of scary cultist. He did say that he hoped it would not have put him off getting to know me.

In the end, we’ve discovered that the things we have in common matter more than those we don’t. We originally bonded over shared musical tastes (rock, club and trance) and since then have shared new bands with each other – with mixed results. (I don’t mind his drum’n’bass stuff. Like I’m going to dislike a song called ‘Seven Notes In Black’. Acoustic rock, however? Blech. He also had a phase of listening to weird comedy rap stuff that went right over my head… Conversely, whilst Dan can tolerate Emilie Autumn and The Cruxshadows, he has a tendency to roll his eyes and mutter at the Banshees and the Sisters.)

On my 17th birthday
We both want to explore the world and share an especial fascination with Egypt. We both enjoy art in many of its forms, are interested in Medieval history, and when we go out to clubs are more interested in dancing than drinking. We like music of many varieties, and enjoy stories in all of their incarnations – books, movies, plays, comics etc. Dan also shares one of my major passions – shopping. Dan is happy to attend Goth clubs and festivals with me – in return, I go camping (which is great fun and I can’t wait to go again, but I often struggle to adjust to activities that require minimal make-up and sensible shoes).

In short, we may LOOK like an odd couple, but you can’t judge from outside appearances what two people might have in common. So don’t worry about whether that person you like is a Goth or not – just go for it.

P.S. In yesterday's Goth fashion style post, I mentioned that I was running out of ideas for such posts, and the response was fantastic - thanks, everyone, for their suggestions. Anyone else who wishes to weigh in on this debate (including a tangent I'm heading off on - is 'bubblegoth', as created by non-Goth (but Goth-friendly) musician Kerli, actually Goth?), pop over to this post here.


Maeam said...

I like this article. Made me smile all over. I'm happy for you; I hope my future husband is as tolerable...*sigh*

Kitty Lovett; A Charming Notion said...

Now that m'lad has gotten a job, he's considering "GOING GOTH", since it's the only aesthetic he likes. And also because it shits me to no end when I put a lot of effort into getting ready to go out, and he just changes his shirt and puts on some thongs. My ways are rubbing off on him. Should i be ashamed, Tabby?

Also, I love that picture of you two together. He is all "LOVE ME 8D *snuggle*" and you're just kind of "yyyeahhhkay" and leaning away slightly.

Lolitadewdrop said...

^_^ You and Dan are so cute together. :) I'm sure that this post is encouraging to many Goths dating non-goths.

witheredrosez4 said...

Excellent post, may I make some suggestions for future topics? :) I'd really like to see an article on Social Networking/E-Life for the darkly inclined. Tips for going to Goth gigs, an post on crazy Contact lenses/safety with them would be cool. Gothic holiday destinations, Travel tips (getting clothing past security at airports hassle free etc), Harassment on Women (perverted comments) and tips for safety etc

ultimategothguide said...

@ Maeam - thank you ^^

@ Kitty - well, he's a big guy, I was getting squished >.<

@ Lolitadewdrop - thanks =)

@ witheredroze - Thanks ^^ great suggestions, some of these I have on my spreadsheet (yes, I'm sad enough to have a spreadsheet...) already, some of them I hadn't thought of at all. =D


Would a Goth date me? I don't think so. Too many relationships end in disaster.

Tenebris In Lux said...

I'm a Goth dating a non-Goth, and I really appreciate this article. You two are really cute together, too! Love shouldn't be just who you may SEEM comparable to, but who you really LOVE.

p.s. the word verification for this comment is "loco"!

Anonymous said...

This was a very nice article, it reminded me of my boyfriend and myself. I find it important to show that we are humans like everybody else, we fall in love and the person one falls in love with is simply perfect in our eyes, even though he or she wears coloured t-shirts and boring jeans =D

Pandora said...

I am a gothic girl with a crush on a non-gothic guy and during the new school year,so many guys that are not gothic,look at me as a freak or even call me a freak.With them,it is an insult,but with my freinds,it is a wonderful compliment.But i am very happy that when i told my crush how i felt towards him,he saw me as a person,a nice person and the results of this matter were very is better to be a 'FREAK' than a clone who speaks with a horrid heart.

Anonymous said...

Good on you both for being so open about the relationship. I hope everything woorks out for you:)
Gothic Dating sites are also a pretty cool way of meeting people on the "dark side" - Good luck all! :)

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